Sumo-Pop's Top 10 Guilty Pleasures (music division)

Here lies my great shame:

10) Billy Idol- Inexplicably respected in some corners, he may be the fakest punk rocker ever. It's all image kids, there's as much new wave synthesizers on his records as there is guitars. Yet, that voice is amazing. All raw, leathery and booming, he's like a male Joan Jett minus the credibility. And who doesn't turn it up when Billy sings "In the midnight hour/she cried more, more, more?" I would also say that he has the highest percentage of songs about fucking than just about anyone else.

Quintessential Cut: Rebel Yell http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToeY7MkCm0c

9) Carly Simon- High grade cheez. Her voice is as annoying as it is distinctive. Her music as cloying as it is particular. She was even married to James Taylor, who I hate with a red-eyed passion. However, somehow this elevator music siren gets a pass from me.

Quintessential Cut: You're So Vain http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC0EsLCPsF4&feature=related

8) Duran Duran- On the face of it, they are everything I'm against. They are slaves to style and fashion. Most of they're songs make no sense (The Reflex anyone?), and without the explosion of MTV and music video they would have disappeared faster than you can say Gary Glitter. However, they produced about 15-20 genuinely catching songs about God only knows what, and I like every damn one of them.

Quintessential Cut: Hungry Like The Wolf http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NC0EsLCPsF4&feature=related

7) Frankie Goes To Hollywood- Other than the lead singer this wasn't even a real band. The other four guys on the cover of their debut album Welcome To The Pleasure Dome are said to not have even played on the album. This of course means that the only thing that separated them from Milli Vanilli was Holly Johnson's vocals. The very definition of producer puppets, these guys burst out of England with what has to be the dirtiest song to ever hit the Top 10 (Relax don't do it/when you wanna cum). That hit turned up in Brian DePalma's 80's grindhouse flick Body Double. In fact Johnson comes through the door while Relax booms over the soundtrack as lead actor Craig Wasson is about to give Melanie Griffith's porn star character (the wonderfully named Holly Body) the business. Which of course proves that Mr. DePalma knew exactly what the song was about, and how to best use it. Unfortunately, I approve.

Quintessential Cut: Relax (Body Double version) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2TLAxTY9Xs

6) The Goo Goo Dolls- I should really hate them. And I do mean really. The lead singer and creative force (such that it is) of the band, Johnny Rzeznik basically has been dumbing down and rewriting Paul Westerberg songs, while also imitating the style of The Replacements minus any rough edges or originality. Even worse, they have been far more successful than the band (who I LOVE) they so wantonly imitate. But I can't find one damn song by them that I can't hum along to. Sheesh.

Quintessential Cut: Iris http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpO9MSEWpxc

5) John Waite/The Babys/Bad English- Before John Waite went to number one with his pop-cheez classic Missing You, he was the lead singer of a British power pop band (The Babys) that couldn't get arrested in their own country (despite naming one of their albums Union Jacks!), yet somehow scored a trio of top 40 hits over here. After his solo career dried up, he essentially fronted Journey in the truly shitty band, Bad English lead by Mr. Don't Stop Believin' guitar hero Neal Schon himself. They scored two massive hits with the bloody awful When I See You Smile, and the nearly as bad Price Of Love. Their next album flopped and John Waite went back to his solo career and recently scored a hit on the country(!) charts with a remake of Missing You featuring Alison Krauss. I own all this crap. What can I say? The man's got pipes.

Quintessential Cut: Missing You http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjAPQJWIz6Y

4) Howard Jones- You probably remember the near Flock Of Seagulls hairstyle better than you do his succession of synth pop hits. But Things Can Only Get Better, New Song, What Is Love, Human's Lib, and Like To Get To Know You Well were unmissable during the 80s. Eventually, the hits disappeared along with his hairline, but every one of these bandless, artless, simple simon tunes makes me smile. What are you gonna do?

Quintissential Cut: Things Can Only Get Better http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lnVjSnS9EQ

3) Billy Squier- The man could sing like Robert Plant, minus the taste and relative class of course. He took that big voice and surrounded it with big dumb drums and big dumb guitars. His biggest hits The Stroke, Rock Me Tonite, and Everybody Wants You, have all the depth of a Michael Bay movie. In fact, how is it that none of these songs have ever made into one of Bay's abominations? Surely Armageddon would have been improved by My Kinda Lover during Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler's animal cracker scene. The last thing I ever heard about Squier was that he was making a concept album based on Dante's Inferno. Pray your Gods that never comes to light.

Quintessential Cut: The Stroke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bLHc-yIAPbg

2) Kenny Loggins- Sure, I like all those tunes from all those crappy 80s movies back when Kenny was the king of the soundtrack single (and what a thing to be). But what I really like is the early Loggins (you know when he was cool-ha!). Soft rock "classics" like Heart To Heart, This Is It, and Whenever I Call You Friend were always welcome when my mom took me with her to the Suds-Yer-Duds laundromat in Niles when I was a boy in the seventies. Just thinking about one of those songs brings the comforting fragrance of laundry detergent back to the forefront of my mind. Ah, those were the days.

Quintessential Cut: Footloose http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdSWXRZu7OM

1) Rick Springfield- The mother (father?) of all guilty pleasures. To my great and everlasting embarrassment, I can't think of a single Springfield tune I don't like. The Aussie singer had a top 20 hit in 1972 with a song that to the best of my knowledge no one has ever heard called Speak To the Sky. He then was lost from view until he took the job of playing Noah on General Hospital. That's right, his big break was acting in a soap opera. With his new found visibility, Springfield relaunched his pop career and became the object of desire for stay-at-home mom's everywhere. And once he got started, he couldn't be stopped. The hits began with I've Done Everything For You in 1981, peaked with the power chord monster hit Jessie's Girl the same year and ended with the top 30 hit Rock Of Life in 1988. In all, Springfield hit the top 10 5 times in the 80s and the top 40 15 times. Oh, it was Ricky's world and we were just livin' in it. Yeah, I know this should be terribly embarrassing (and to a degree, it is), but I'll never forget sitting in a movie theater, watching Paul Thomas Anderson's classic film about 70s porn, Boogie Nights and hearing Jessie's Girl blaring from the speakers during Dirk Diggler's (Mark Wahlberg) hapless attempt to sell drugs to a whacked out Alfred Molina. That's called affirmation, homeslice.

Quintessential Cut: Jessie's Girl http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adaYUM5wl7c

Alright, that's the list. I've shown you mine, now you show me yours. I'm sure there's some Styx and Journey fans (God help you) out there somewhere.

Sum-Pop
January 17, 2010