John Mayer Is The Devil

John Mayer is the Devil.

I had long believed this to be true even before the risible quotes from his forthcoming Playboy interview (link:http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1631667/20100210/mayer_john.jhtml) were made public. The evidence of his Lucifuge could be found in his 70's lite rock well before he referred to Jessica Simpson as "sexual napalm," casually called homosexuals "fags," and said his penis was a "white-supremacist" (dear God!).

If you look at his biggest hits, it becomes awfully clear that this guy is pitching to the lowest denominator. He has recorded a succession of songs that seem inoffensive on the surface, but when you dig deeper, it doesn't take long to realize that these tunes--delivered in Mayer's trademark, breathy, gauzy, vocal style--are pretty damn wicked. And not in the good way.

Let me run through three songs in particular:

Take his first hit, "No Such Thing." What is the difference between that shite-fest and "How Do You Talk To An Angel?" The vocals are painfully similar, the music safe and weak, and when he breaks into the high note on the chorus: "I want to run through the halls in high school/I want to scream at the top of my lungs." Well, I agree with the second part.

And how about "Daughters?" This tune sounds like the worst of the AM gold that I had to suffer through at the laundromat in the 1970's. The first notes of that rather ironic (see his Jessica Simpson quote) tribute to women instantly brings the fragrance of detergent to my nostrils, the whirring buzz of the spin cycle to my ears, and the words of Seals and Croft's "Summer Breeze" to my mind. The feeling evoked is damn near suicidal.

However, the worst and most evil of all Mayer songs has to be "Waiting On The World To Change." Given a cursory listen, the tune actually sounds like a breakthrough for Mayer. The track's soulful, Stax-like groove brings to mind an Otis Redding cut, or even the Memphis soul of Al Green. But if you look at the point of "Waiting," what you find is an anthem of apathy. Mayer essentially states that his generation can't be bothered to get involved until the world changes on its own.

Take the third verse:

"It's hard to beat the system/When we're standing at a distance/So we keep waiting Waiting on the world to change"

So don't stand at a distance you freakin' moron!

Or, how about this verse:

"It's not that we don't care/We just know that the fight ain't fair/So we keep on waiting/Waiting on the world to change"

So why fight at all? Why get involved? Let's just wait and see what happens? Bitch, please.

I'm real glad Susan B. Anthony, Martin Luther King Jr., and Harvey Milk didn't subscribe to this philosophy. Because while apathy might not be the root of all evil, it certainly is one of its sturdiest branches. Apathy allowed Jim Crow laws to exist, it kept women from voting until the 20th century, and it prevents homosexuals from experiencing equal rights to this day. It is one of the worst sins imaginable, and John Mayer has written its theme song. Congratulations, douche bag.

Maybe now that Mayer has revealed himself through his sexist, racist, and homophobic comments (what a trifecta!), the world will re-evaluate his useless music and confine it to the dust bins of history along side Air Supply, Jefferson Starship, and Gerry Rafferty. Maybe the guy who said he isn't "open" to having sex with a black woman because while he may have a "Benetton heart," he has a "David Duke cock," will just go away. However, if we can't get rid of R. Kelly, I'm not betting on our chances of pushing this ass clown to the side.

The shame of it all is that Mayer is not untalented. He's a fine and resourceful guitarist, and he has a way with a hook. Of course, I'm quite sure that Satan is good at a number of things too.

Sumo-Pop
February 20, 2010