A Stranger In The Land Of Swoon

As my wife and I entered the movie theater last Monday, I was keenly aware that what we were about to see wasn't made for me. That being said, nothing could have prepared me for the loopy, loony, over the top experience that is New Moon.

I have probably seen over 1000 movies in my life but New Moon is one of a kind. Having already viewed Twilight, I thought I had some idea of what to expect from it's sequel. Was I ever wrong. New Moon takes the overwrought, Teen Beat romantic intensity and turns it up to 11. There are scenes in this movie that have to be seen to be believed. You could have at some point attached Bella to a flying bovine and charted a course for the moon and I wouldn't have been any more agog.

Let me describe three scenes in specific:

Early in the movie, our hero, Bella (Kristen Stewart) goes missing in the woods on a particularly chilly night. Her father (the town sheriff played by Billy Burke) issues an all out manhunt for his lost daughter. As the flashing lights of police cars surround his home, out of the woods steps Sam, shirtless and shoeless carrying Bella in his arms. Everyone else in this scene is wearing a jacket except Sam and no one says a thing. I assume, at this point in the movie no one knows that Sam's a werewolf. So I would think that if my daughter went missing and a half naked man came strolling out of the woods with the unconscious fruit of my loins in tow that I would have some questions to ask. Not in the world of New Moon apparently.

In another logic defying moment, Bella is in her bedroom pining away for her long lost vampire, kinda-sorta lover Edward, when the occasional werewolf and romantic challenger to said vamp, Jacob gets her attention with a couple of well placed stones against her window. What darkness through yonder window breaks? It is Bella for I am...oh well, whatever, never mind. Anyway, Bella opens the window and Jacob tells her he's coming up. He then proceeds to literally Spider-Man his way up a tree and into her room. Since she doesn't yet know that Jacob is a werewolf, this display of physical prowess should be of some surprise. But does she ask Jacob how he could climb up the side of her house without being bitten by a radioactive spider? Nope.

And lastly, there is a scene late in the movie with the vampire royalty called "The Volturi." Residing in Italy, the Volturi are the vampire law makers or something. They bring forth Bella, Edward, and his sister Alice. The Volturi decides that Bella "has seen too much" and must die. However, Alice--who has the seemingly random yet convenient ability to see the future-- tells the Volturi that one day Bella will be a vampire too. Then stunningly, the Volturi let them go. If that were true, why wouldn't the Volturi force Edward to change Bella into a vampire right then and there. Wouldn't that solve the problem? I guess you're not supposed to ask.

Then there's the dialogue in this movie. In one unintentionally hilarious moment, Bella confronts Jacob about his lupine ways by saying "I guess you're a werewolf, huh." Jacob says "I guess so." To which Bella replies "Have you ever tried not being a werewolf?" Jacob's retort? "It's not a lifestyle choice Bella." I shit you not.

A lot of the acting in New Moon is pretty dreadful as well. Taylor Lautner as Jacob is very much at sea. Looking like he fell off the cover of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, the boy strikes quite a pose. Unfortunately, he is not mute, which would have really helped his performance. His stilted, wooden line readings make you thankful for the moment he turns into the worst CGI animal this side of the lion Aslan in the Chronicles of Narnia. And how about Ashley Greene as Edward's sooth-saying sister Alice? Greene is supposed to be playing a 100+ year old vampire but comes off every bit as flighty and giddy as Bella's human teen aged friends. She has to be the least imposing vampire in the history of vampire movies. And yes, I am counting the tanned, fey Dracula that George Hamilton played in the otherwise forgettable vampire comedy, Love at First Bite. The bronzed California man was way creepier than Ashley Greene. But, both of those performances take a major backseat to that of the eye-rolling, howl inducing performance of Michael Sheen as the head Volturi. Sheen, the very fine English actor who has been well regarded in such high tone flicks as Frost/Nixon and The Queen, comes off like Liberace with fangs. Ok, vampires in the Twilight Saga don't have fangs but you get the idea. Sheen is absolutely camptastic in New Moon. With florid gestures and an excrement eating grin that seems to say "I can't believe they're paying me for this shit," Sheen is a scream. This is the best "knowing" performance in a bad movie since Sam Elliott in Road House. Sheen, like Elliott, is surrounded by "thespians" who treat their material like Shakespeare, all ponderous and self-important. However, Sheen appears to be in on the joke. And boy was I grateful.

I do have to say that I am consistently amazed by Kristen Stewart as Bella. I honestly believe that she deserves some sort of honorary Oscar for the degree of difficulty of her work in New Moon. How she can possibly recite the words of this screenplay with such conviction--let alone a straight face-- is some kind of minor miracle. I think one day she'll look back on the Twilight Saga the same way Natalie Portman must view the three Star Wars travesties she was involved with. They will raise her profile and lead to other, better roles, but not necessarily be what she wants to be remembered for. In fact, I think Portman should take young Stewart under her wing and show her how you can recover from being stuck in overheated nonsense. After all, Portman acted for George Lucas and had to look longingly at Hayden Christensen and say "Hold me like you did on Naboo." Seriously, they should start a support group. And for those out there who think that Stewart can't act because their only experience with her is the Twilight movies, I would suggest you rent Sean Penn's Into The Wild or the indie flick The Cake Eaters for evidence to the contrary. You will thank me for it.

So you're probably thinking right about now that I hated New Moon. Au contraire. To my own surprise, I actually enjoyed it. I think it's the second best "bad" movie I have ever seen. Runner up only to the aforementioned Patrick Swayze TNT mainstay Road House (which if you haven't seen, do yourself a favor and throw away 2 hours of your life. Again, you'll thank me), New Moon is actually a lot of fun. There is something truly admirable about a movie that takes every single swoony second and heightens the drama to telenovela levels. I would go as far to say that New Moon is like one of David Lynch's absurdist fantasies, only without the female nudity, foul language, midgets, and well, artistry. New Moon is absolutely committed to delivering itself to its target audience of 13 year old girls. And no amount of logic gaps, plot holes, bad acting, or common sense is going to get in its way. I think there's something to be said for that type of Ed Wood level drive. Because, regardless of what you may think of it critically, you are not likely to see anything else like it until it's sequel Eclipse comes out in 2010. So sign me up for the next round because the upset of my experience is that while I may have been a stranger in Swoonland, I actually enjoyed my stay. Who'd a thunk?

Sumo-Pop
January 29, 2009