Oh, Carolina

You just have to be crazy don't you/You just have to be out of your mind/You just have to be crazy don't you/You just have to be--Grant Lee Buffalo

Well, you do have to be crazy don't you? At least you do if you want to run for office in South Carolina. Just look at the evidence:

I suppose we can start with SC House Rep, Joe "You lie!" Wilson who shouted down the President from the house floor on September 9, 2009 when Obama was addressing both chambers of congress over Health Care Reform. President Obama was discussing the misconception regarding the availability of government subsidized health care for illegal aliens. The bill took great pains to make it clear that the undocumented would not be covered in the measure. No matter, a red faced, bull snorting Wilson cried out "You lie!" just as Obama was completing his sentence. After being chastened by both sides of the aisle, Wilson formally apologized to the President who like a grown up, accepted. This of course didn't stop Wilson from using his foolish, uninformed bluster to raise campaign cash for his reelection campaign.

This isn't the first time that Wilson's big mouth has gotten him into trouble either. In 2003, a woman named Essie Mae Washington-Williams revealed that she was the illegitimate child of former segregationist South Carolina Senator, Strom Thurmond and his maid. Wilson stated that Williams was trying to "smear" Thurmond and "diminish" his legacy. Never mind the fact that it was true that Thurmond was her biological father, Wilson still thought it was wrong to divulge her birth right. But then, miss Williams is black, and South Carolina is the state that was flying the Confederate flag over their capital building as recently as the year 2000. You do the math.

Then came the soon to be disgraced Republican Governor of the Palmetto State, Mark Sanford. For those that have tried to forget, Sanford literally disappeared from June 18 to June 24, 2009. No one, not his wife, the Lieutenant Governor, or his staff knew of his whereabouts. In a pathetic effort to cover for the Governor, his staff released a statement that Sanford was "hiking the Appalachian Trail." If that were true, then the Appalachian Trail would have to extend all the way to Argentina where Sanford was enjoying some "quality time" with his mistress. Of whom Sanford would later refer to as his "soul mate." Did I mention that all this happened over Father's day and that Sanford didn't even call home to speak to his four sons? It was later revealed that Sanford had visited his mistress in Argentina multiple times on the tax payer's dime. Incredibly, Sanford still resides in the South Carolina Governor's Mansion.

Although Sanford will not be running for another term, it wouldn't be South Carolina without another gubernatorial controversy. Sanford protege, State House Representative, Nikki Haley has been embroiled in a bitter fight to succeed the state's faux hiker with South Carolina Lieutenant Governor, Andre Bauer. On May 24, 2010, former Sanford Press Secretary , Will Folks, claimed to have had an affair with Hailey "several years ago." As if that weren't seedy enough, former Bauer political consultant, Larry Marchant also stated that he had enjoyed a physical relationship with Haley. Neither of these, er, gentlemen can offer any proof, but why should that get in the way of a good humiliation?

As if that were not enough for Haley to deal with, Republican South Carolina state Senator, Jake Knotts referred to Haley (who is of Indian descent) as a "raghead." He didn't say this privately or near an open mic. No. He said this on an internet talk show called Pub Politics. The exact quote is: "We've already got a raghead in the White House, we don't need another raghead in the governor's mansion." After being called out for this racist statement, Knotts issued this ridiculous apology: "Since my intended humorous context was lost in translation, I apologize. I still believe Ms Haley is pretending to be someone she is not, much as Obama did, but I apologize to both for an unintended slur." How much you wanna bet that if this clown runs for reelection he will win hands down?

Now before you think I'm only whacking Republicans, au contraire. The latest bit of nonsense emanates directly from the Democrats. In the Democratic Senate Primary, an unemployed 32 year old veteran who had no campaign website, never held a single campaign rally, or raised a single dollar for his candidacy, but does have a pending obscenity charge against him for showing internet pornography to a college student, defeated former four-term state lawmaker, Vic Rawl by 18 percentage points for the right to face Tea Party favorite Jim Demint in November. How the hell does that happen? If you believe the venerable Democratic House Representative, Jim Clyburn (who along with Republican Senator, Lindsey Graham, must feel like the last sane person in South Carolina politics), something is "Rotten in Denmark."

Shortly after the primary results on Tuesday, Clyburn implied that Greene may have been planted by the Republican Party to embarrass the Democrats. At first, I thought Clyburn might have finally succumbed to whatever is in the South Carolina drinking water and went over the deep end. Then, last night I watched Keith Olbermann interview Mister Greene on his Countdown program on MSNBC. In an interview that has to be seen to be believed (link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxnTYPZOmK0), Greene proved to be barely capable of answering the most simple of questions. Such as "Did you hold any rallies?" Watching the halting, stammering Greene attempt to reply to such basic entreaties, I began to wonder if Clyburn was right. How in the world did this guy ever even get on a ballot? Hell, his opponent has never met Greene or even heard of him prior to the primary. I don't know if Greene is a "Republican Plant" or not, but after seeing Greene in action, I am convinced that he has the intellect of a different kind of plant, a house plant. Clyburn is now calling for an investigation into Greene's candidacy, and I for one am ready to be fascinated by the results.

All these incidents are the recent greatest hits of South Carolina politics. They stand as a staggering rebuke of the politicians and the citizenry that has elected them.

There has been a fair bit of discussion about secession since the election of Barack Obama. Mostly from the Republican Governor of Texas, Rick Perry. If this crazy talk ever reaches South Carolina--and Sanford, Haley, or whoever the hell might be the Governor at the time is willing to back a secession movement, I say we throw Clyburn and Graham a lifeline and bid "good riddance" to the rest of them.

Just prior to the Civil War, South Carolina was actually the first state to secede, and the founding state of the Confederacy. Our great President Lincoln went to war with the south and eventually brought all of the "rebel" states back into the fold, but it looks as if "All" might have been one too many.

Sumo-Pop
June 11, 2010