Misdirection Election 2010: Send In The Clowns

I have always hated clowns. Always. Whether of the circus variety, Marcel Marceau (ok, technically he was a mime, but whatever), Stephen King's IT, and even Bozo. They just creep me out.

However, those aren't the only clowns I hate. Some don't come with white powdery make up, funny shoes, and colorful wigs. Some come packaged smartly in nice suits and expensive haircuts. These clowns take on the appearance of respectable human beings. That is, until they open their mouths and speak. Most of the time, these side show freaks are left by the edge of the road as society kicks them to the curb and moves on without them. But in this year of the misdirection election, the clowns have taken center stage and are threatening the viability of our political process.

Let's take Christine O'Donnell for instance. Here is a person who has lied repeatedly about her educational background, has used campaign funds to pay her rent (illegal, by the way), has defaulted on her mortgage, not paid her taxes, and has called evolution a myth (because her certainty is more important than proof). Despite all of this, O'Donnell came out ahead of the esteemed and respected, Mike Castle, in the Republican Primary, and will now face Democratic nominee, Chris Coons, in the race to become the junior senator from Delaware.

O'Donnell's personal issues regarding her education and ability to pay taxes are one thing, but where does she stand on the issues of the day? Well, Miss O'Donnell believes that abortion should be illegal including cases of rape and incest, that creationism must be taught in science classes, and she opposes stem cell research. Ok, fine. Not exactly mainstream, but not necessarily crazy either. But, Miss O'Donnell believes that Darwin's theory is a myth because, "Why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?" O'Donnell also claims to have been privy to classified information that links China to a potential takeover of the United States. And her best looney tune is her belief that "American scientific companies are cross breeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains." And that's just the stuff she thinks she knows. Earlier this week, during her debate with Coons, she was asked to name a Supreme Court decision that she disagreed with. Flummoxed, O'Donnell requested an example from the moderator, who in turn made it clear to O'Donnell that she would need to provide her own examples.

She could not.

This is made all the more interesting when you consider that her debate prep was performed by the same folks who worked with Sarah Palin during the 2008 election. You may well recall, that Mrs. Palin was unable to answer a similar question when posed to her by Katie Couric. Here's for making the same mistake twice.

So far, Delaware voters don't appear to be falling under the former witch's spell. In most polls, Coons holds a 15-20 point lead. Which makes O'Donnell the most well covered non-contending candidate ever. Gotta love the media.

Now, O'Donnell may be the loopiest candidate for higher office in an election year, but she does have bad company.

In the mama grizzly's home state of Alaska, the republican nominee for the senate is one, Joe Miller. Some of his notable positions are eliminating the Department of Education, outlawing abortion in all cases, eliminating the minimum wage, requiring all bills that are voted on in congress to meet a constitutional litmus test, privatizing social security, he considers the science of global warming to be "dubious at best," and believes unemployment benefits to be "unconstitutional." That last one is rather fascinating, considering that Miller's own wife once collected unemployment benefits as recently as 2004. Maybe that's why Miller held a press conference on Monday and stated that he would no longer answer any questions about his background from the media. Incredibly (or maybe not, this is Alaska we're talking about), Miller is favored to win the general election.

In the state of my birth, Kentucky (go ahead and make fun, I'm used to it), Republican Senate nominee, Rand Paul, also holds a variety of strange positions. He also opposes abortion in all cases, would consider repealing the 14th amendment that created birthright citizenship, would abolish the Department of Education, opposes all gun control legislation, referred to the BP oil spill as a case of "sometimes accidents happen," he is against government provided health insurance even though, as a practicing ophthalmologist, 50% of his patients are on Medicare. Which means he takes no issue with taking government money when it suits him. But, perhaps the worst position that Dr. Paul holds is that of his views on the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1964. While Dr. Paul says that he "abhors racism," he does not find it constitutional to tell a restaurant that they must serve all races and creeds. Anybody for separate drinking fountains? Paul is favored in his race against the Democratic Nominee, Jack Conway.

In the senate race in Connecticut, WWE Business Manager and Republican Nominee, Linda McMahon is facing off against Democrat Richard Blumenthal. What is the WWE you might ask? Well, it stands for World Wrestling Entertainment. That's right, the Republican Nominee is the founder of the largest professional wrestling organization in the world. What could be so bad about that? Aside from the ultra-violent and misogynist presentation of the "bouts," when one looks deeper into the company's past, you find a series of abuses directed towards the employees that are the life blood of the business--the wrestlers themselves. Not only did McMahon's company turn a blind eye to the rampant steroid use in the profession, they encouraged it. As more and more former WWE wrestlers have started to die off at alarmingly youthful ages (Gertrude Vachon, 48 and Lance McNaught, 29 are the most recent), many have questioned the treatment of the wrestlers by the WWE. What has been discovered is the WWE did not consider the grapplers as employees at all. In fact, they were considered contract labor. This allowed the company to avoid providing health insurance to those who risk so much to the benefit of the WWE. This may be legal, but it certainly isn't ethical or moral.

And oh yes, McMahon has some interesting political positions as well. She believes that the minimum wage law should be "reviewed," even though she has no idea what the actual minimum wage is. She was against the off-shore drilling moratorium after the BP disaster. And of course, she would abolish the estate tax and the gift tax. After a narrowing in the polls, recent surveys show Blumenthal expanding his lead into the double digits.

There are some strange folks running in house races too.

Perhaps the most infamous takes place in Ohio, where Democratic Nominee, Marcy Kaptur's republican opponent, Rich Iott, believes that government bail outs are unconstitutional (ridiculous), that all illegal immigrants should be deported (impossible), and that the war in Iraq was a success (really?). But that's not why you might have heard of him. Iott recently made the national news due to the fact that he was a former (but recent) member of a group called the Wikings. The Wikings are a Nazi reenactment group that dress up as the 5th SS Panzer Division. When asked why he would be so eager to dress up like a fascist, Jew killing, member of the master race, Iott responded that he did so to "bond" with his son. You cannot make this stuff up. Iott is not considered a threat to Kaptur's seat.

Gubernatorial races are no strangers to strangeness either.

In Arizona, Republican Governor, Jan Brewer has been at the epicenter of the immigration controversy that briefly gripped the nation this year. Brewer signed into law a measure that would require police officers making stops to ask for the papers (say that out loud and with a German accent) of those that might be suspected of being illegal immigrants. She used the excuse of rampant crime as one of the primary reasons for instituting a law that probably isn't constitutional, will bog down local courts, and create a culture of mistrust and racial profiling in her state. She referred to "headless bodies" found in the desert to support her opinion. Apparently, she is the only person who has seen these bodies, because no one else has. Brewer later claimed to have "misspoke." What's even more interesting about Brewer's crime argument is the fact that Phoenix is considered one of the five safest big cities in America, that the border crime rate is actually down along with the rate of illegal immigration, and that deportations are actually up since President Obama took office. But why let facts get in the way of your chosen, politically expedient position?

Brewer also signed into law a recent bill that allows citizens to take guns into bars and restaurants. Because really, what could be better than having a gun in a place where copious amounts of wine and spirits are consumed?

Perhaps the best example of Brewer's fitness for Governor came in her one debate against Democratic challenger, Terry Godard, where Brewer sat blankly in silence for what seemed like an eternity when asked to simply give an opening statement. Afterwards, Brewer said that there would be no more debates. Political courage in action. Brewer is the runaway favorite in the general election.

But Brewer is in no way the craziest gubernatorial candidate in the U.S. No, that honor goes to the Republican Nominee of New York, Carl Paladino, in a landslide. The colorful Paladino has compared unions to "pigs," threatened to "take out" a reporter, sent out racist and misogynist e-mails (one depicting a woman having sex with an equine)--his excuse being that "I'm in construction"--for real, he opposes same sex marriage even though as a land owner he collects rent from at least two gay bars, he has stated that he would use the power of eminent domain to prevent the creation of an Islamic Community Center two blocks from ground zero, and he opposes abortion in all cases.

Paladino has attempted to position himself as a "family values" candidate even though he has a child born out of wedlock to his former secretary, all while accusing Democratic Nominee, Andrew Cuomo of having multiple affairs for which he has provided no proof. Mr. Cuomo currently enjoys a 20 point lead after seeing a brief single digit tightening in the polls.

However, no race points out what a ridiculous choice voters have before them more than the contest in Nevada between Democratic Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid, and his Republican opponent, Sharron Angle. Here, the good people of Nevada have not only one clown to consider, but two.

Do they go with the weak kneed, ineffectual, hang dog that is Harry Reid, or do they turn to the bizarre, carnival act represented by Sharron Angle?

What a choice.

I'm certain that in any other year, facing any other candidate, neither of these idiots would stand a chance. It should also be mentioned that in Nevada, "None of the Above" is an actual option, and so far many a poll shows that ghost of a candidate pulling in 10%. Incredible, to say the least.

So, what to do? If it were me, I would be forced to go with Reid. This despite his desultory performance in the Nevada Senate Debate earlier this week. How could someone with such an easy target fail so miserably? To think that a guy who I doubt could motivate an angry dog to take a bite out of Michael Vick even if he were smothered in bacon grease could win 5 consecutive elections to the Senate is mind boggling. But here's the thing, at least he's not crazy. Pathetic and dull as a post? Yes. Insane? No.

Which is more than I can say for Sharron Angle. Angle's policy, positions are not only naive, but in some cases, downright frightening. She is for the abolition of the Department of Education, the withdrawal of the United States from the United Nations, a federal amendment outlawing same-sex marriage, she has claimed without a shred of proof that "sharia law" has taken over in Dearborn, Michigan, that the Constitution does not provide for the separation of church and state, she favors the privatization of Medicare and Social Security, she favors the prohibition of alcohol, does not believe in global warming, and perhaps most heinously has stated that those that are not happy with their government may "turn to second amendment remedies." When asked about how such remedies may manifest themselves, Angle has been non-committal. But since the second amendment refers to the right to bear arms, when Angle says that Harry Reid should be "taken out," I'm afraid I might know exactly what she means. And what she means is not only dangerous, but downright un-American.

Recent polling has found this race to be in a dead heat. Which only serves to point out what lousy candidates they both are. Best of luck, Nevada.

Now to be fair, there are some bozos in the Democratic Party other than Reid. Take Senate nominee, Alvin Greene in South Carolina who has a pending obscenity charge against him. But here's the difference, no one takes Greene seriously. Not even most Democrats. This in spite of the fact that he is running against Jim DeMint who has stated that homosexuals and sexually active single women should not be allowed to teach in public schools. Still Greene has literally no chance.

And of course, not all of the other eight nutters that I have profiled here are likely to win either. O'Donnell, Paladino, Iott, and McMahon are all trailing considerably in the polls. However, Brewer is almost a shoo-in in Arizona and Miller, Paul, and possibly Angle may indeed be joining the Senate in 2011. Which will only embolden future whack jobs and hypocrites to run for elected office. Because they will know that not only can they run, but they can win.

Now, I know that complaining about hypocrites running for office is like complaining about the New York Yankees buying their way into the playoffs every year. So fine, I can learn to live with them. But the crazies? Can't we do better than this?

If you have ever been to a circus, you have probably seen a small car drive into the center ring, open the door and watch what seems to be an endless procession of clowns coming out of the tiny vehicle. In 2010, that is what our election cycle has become.

A freakin' clown car.