Bull 1, Moron 0

On July 5, 2009 Daniel Jimeno Romero became the 15th person to be killed in the famous "running of the bulls" event in Pamplona, Spain. And I couldn't be happier. Whether it's the rodeo, bullfighting, or this stupid ass tradition, I will always root for the bull. Why? Aside from the basic dumbassedness of all three events, I would submit that each is guilty (in spades) of animal cruelty.

Now you might think that the "running of the bulls" doesn't equate to cruelty. But just imagine, if you will, a bunch of animals packed in tightly and then released on the streets to the sounds of a bunch of hooligans shouting in front of them. Great fun for the bull. I will give the organizers of the event some credit though. They used to have a terrible time with the bulls slipping and falling due to having trouble making the sharp turn at Estafeta Street. To combat this, they have laid down a new anti-slip surfacing. While this does help the bulls to keep from losing their balance, it has made the event more dangerous as the bulls are able to maintain a faster pace. Which is the part I like. Any way that more of these idiots can end up with a bullhorn up there ass is fine by me. So what reward do the terrified bulls receive at the end of the run? Well, the six bulls involved are then led to an arena for an afternoon of bullfighting. More like bull murdering but I suppose that's semantics.

The "sport" of bullfighting can actually be traced back to prehistoric times of bull worship and sacrifice. Which makes a hell of a lot of sense when you think about it. I mean, wouldn't something this cruel, barbaric, and stupid have started with the knuckle draggers and cave dwellers? Of course, the fact that this bloodsport still takes place is a great argument against Darwin's theory of evolution.

Here's how a bullfight works:

After the matador and his six assistants enter the ring, a trumpet is sounded to herald the arrival of the bull. After the bull enters the ring he is then tested by the matador for ferocity by the use of a red and gold cape. Of course, the bull is colorblind so the colorful cape is really for the nimrods in the stands, but I digress.

Next, in the first of three stages, the matador confronts the bull while one of his assistants rides in on horseback with a lance to stab the bull on a mound of muscle located on the back of the bull's neck. This weakens the bull and forces its head lower making it less dangerous to the matador. It also pisses the bull off. The bull will then typically charge the horse and rider in a (usually) vain attempt for revenge. However, prior to 1930, many horses were disemboweled by the bull which lead to the invention of a mattress-like covering called a peto. So in Spain, horse good, bull bad.

In the next stage, the matador will attempt to stab the bull's flanks with two razor sharp sticks called banderilleros. This further weakens the bull through extensive blood loss.

Lastly, the matador will attempt to bait the bull with his fancy red cape (once again, the bull is colorblind, the nimrods not) so that it will get close enough to stab him between the shoulder blades and pierce the bull's aorta. Now on occasion, much like the Romans in the coliseum (ah, the good old days) the crowd will decide to spare the bull in the final stage if they deem him brave enough. If the bull gets the thumbs up, he can then go back to the ranch. Provided of course, that he doesn't bleed to death from his wounds. Unfortunately (for the bull that is), after having the tendons in his neck severed he will probably never be able to lift his head again.

So, to sum this practice up, the bull is slowly tortured by some guy dressed up like a dandy until death or disability. Sounds like fun for the whole family.

Now before you think me xenophobic or call me an"ugly american," let me be clear, we have our own torture sport for bulls. It's called the rodeo. A place for hicks, hillbillies, and hayseeds* to gather to watch bulls and horses being ridden, calfs being roped, and goats tied for their amusement. At a rodeo, the bull is led into a tight stall where a rider is lowered onto his back. He is then either smacked with a "bucking strap" or struck with a cattle prod just before the gate is raised to incite bucking. The PRCA (Professional Rodeo Comedy, er Cowboy Association) say that this does not harm the animal due to its thick hide. Of course, no one asks the animal what he thinks since he's too busy bucking like a mad man who just got tasered in the ass. And if you think that this is distasteful, you ought to see how they treat the donkeys used for practice. In practice sessions the burrows are roped and tied over and over again resulting in disfigurement and injury. There are now a number of donkey rescue groups in the USA that take in these badly scarred and hobbled donkeys.

I always find it interesting that the defenders of these activities refer to these events as "sport." I tend to think of sports as something that involves willing participants. I mean, can anyone imagine a bull minding his own business, thinking to himself, "you know what I'd really like to do today is wander into a crowded arena where six guys help a garishly dressed man stab me to death." Probably not.

However, every now and then, the bull gets a piece of "The Man's" ass. Sometimes (although rare) the bull gores the matador to death, or maims a rodeo cowboy, or just like last Friday in Pamplona, sticks it to the runner. So now I celebrate. For last week was high times for the bull. High times indeed.

Sumo-Pop
July 11, 2009

*Full disclosure: I was born in Kentucky and I've earned the right to say hick, hillbilly, and hayseed as often as I like. After all, they're my peeps.